Praying for Acceptance

1st week of August

Hi! Today I’m already in second year high school, and still hoping for recovery. Last time I wrote “Fighting for Life”. There I wrote about my battle with my illness, and until now, I’m still fighting for recovery. Now, I wrote a new one called “Praying for Acceptance”, because maybe I’m losing hope. So, I’ll just ask Him to help me accept what is happening to me right now.

Last July, we had a physical test in school. I was so surprised when I had known my height, it was 4’11”. I was surprised because when I was in 1^st year high school, my height was 5feet, and now it became 4’11”. I was so down and depressed because I thought that I was already fine. I spent all my time in the chapel. I was not praying, I was not talking to someone. That time my mind was absent. A friend called out to me, I can’t even say hi or smile to him.

In the past weeks, I was suffering back pains, not just ordinary back pains! It’s like my back was slashed and crumpled in the inside. When this happens to me, I couldn’t help but cry.

I wanted to cry to someone, but I don’t know to whom. Because right now, it’s so hard to gain trust. I’m building a wall to all the people that I encounter everyday in my life. Because no matter how kind they are to me, I can’t still trust them with my secret.

Last week, I had difficulty breathing. And I had a series of headaches. One instance, I just came after school and answered my assignments. But after a minute, I was catching my breath already. I didn’t know what to do. After 2 hours, I was already fine, and I fell asleep.

Every noon, I always go to the school chapel and pray. I pray for recovery. But if it won’t happen, I just pray for acceptance and for courage to help me be ready for what will happen next to me. But still, I want to be cured. I still want to see my parents grow old and my two brothers growing.

I talked to my mom and dad. And I asked them if I die, I wanted to be beautiful and I want to wear a white dress and shoes. I want white roses displayed. And I want people who love me to wear white.

Well, if that happens, I’m gonna be ready, and happy. Because by that time, I probably had already accepted the fact about it.

- Samantha Nicole Delfin

*Uncle's note

This blog (and the next one i posted) came at an unfortunate circumstance. i was out of town for a field work when my sister called me up to tell me that sam was in the hospital and that she was looking for me. she had been in the hospital for almost 2days because of her headache but she didn't want to disturb me from my work.. so when i got back, i had to see her as i was set to leave the next day again for another field work. my sister told me that they will have to stay in the hospital for a few more days as the doctors are still trying to figure out what is causing the headaches... when she was out of the hospital, i made up for her by driving them back to Malaybalay City so they won't have to take public transportation... sam said that she was feeling fine already.. but i can read the message in her eyes... if there's one thing i learned about sam, its that she doesn't want people to worry about her that is why she keeps to herself what she is truly feeling...